Improvisation / Short story

I Have No Topic the Fifth

I haven’t posted in a long while. And the reason for this is because of my lack of Topics. If you’ve been following my blog for a long time you’ll know this is the fifth time this happened and you’ll know what to expect.

I’m going to, as I write this blog post, think up of something to write of.


Perhaps I’ll use the random word generator. Another blogger once sent me this website, Chaotic Shiny. Thank you Meredith Barnes!


Anyway, I will now use this Fantasy RPG-based random generator to Entertain the Masses!

First…a character

His/Her name shall be… Roxxy Heffley!

…is that a girl? I’m pretty sure that’s a girl’s name. But I know a male Roxxy…

Roxxy, whose sex will be undecided for now will be a…an elf! Yes, an elf whose motivation is loyalty, is currently drunk, is ugly, enjoys fishing, and carries a mace wherever he goes!

…what? It’s an RPG based generator! Everyone holds a weapon in fantasy settings! And funny enough, nobody seems to care!

Anyway, this character lives in…Orville Markita Kris Hupper Rumbolt City!

…Oops, sorry, wrong one.

Roxxy lives in…A city that’s small and loves the nightlife! It’s famous for its flashy show off magic performers! It has a slowly growing economy. Unfortunately it has terrifying Guards and…shoddily built buildings! (This should be good)

You know what, Roxxy will be a guy. He’s an elf, I guess it’s a man’s name to them. I write guys better than girls.

Okay, Using what I’ve got, I’m gonna think up the story as I write.

Here I go

Roxxy was an elf. His kind were once terrifying creatures that preyed on children and scared the crap out of Orville Markita town. But as the city got larger and more technological, and those damn showy wizards started appearing all over, no one had time for leaving out offerings for the elves anymore. Now many elves were like Roxxy. Drunk. Drunk and useless.

Roxxy was at the (looking up taverns) The Happy Wench Inn, a shady inn that was overpriced on drink and under priced on food and privy utilities. As an elf, Roxxy enjoyed mingling among the shadowy corners, which incidentally made up half of the bar.

Funnily enough, Roxxy felt out of place. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it but there was something besides race that separated him from the others in the shadows. Ah well, it didn’t matter right now. Being un-sober was what was important now. He picked up his bottle and sat on down. Onto a wizard’s lizard. Whoops.

“Get off little Pratchett, you sod!” said a wizard.

“Oh ho ho, Sod am I?” said Roxxy, getting up, “Well, Mr. High and Mighty, I’ll get off your lizard for you.” Roxxy stood up and walked away, but not before hearing the wizard say to his companion, “Freaking elves, useless as rats.”

“Don’t you use rats as ingredients for your spells?” said a rugged and deep voice.

Hey, you’re right! Elves are more useless than rats!”

They haven’t been so popular since the old days, eh? When they use to follow what’s her name?”

The Queen? Yeah, wasn’t she thwarted by their king? Great elf Tolkien, or something?”

“Pretty useless I hear their queen was. She didn’t do much but sit and look all pret-Ack!”

The large man next to the wizard grasped his neck and fell to his knees choking. Roxxy had his fingers in a position that looked like he was pinching the air. Elves were dangerous when drunk.

“Nobody insults our Queen!” he said. Suddenly a large hand grasped his shoulder. He looked up. The hand belonged to an extremely ugly, brutish, but most importantly large man. It was a town guard, off duty. The man picked up Roxxy and carried him outside. He threw Roxxy out.

Roxxy got up, rubbing his bruises. He heard laughing from within. They would pay, Roxxy promised. Non elves thought they knew everything about their queen! Elves were taught the truth, that their queen was a respectable, valiant lady, who was overthrown by her useless husband. There were rumors by the non-Elves; rumors that the Elf Queen was just a tyrant who made the elves terrorize random cities on a whim, a tyrant that played horrifying games of torture with non-elves, rumors that somehow involved donkeys. There were rumors that the elf king stepped up to stop such tyranny and gave his life to kill the queen, leaving the elves without a leader. 

Lies! He spat on the lies they spewed about his queen. The false accusations of the queen’s evil, the allegedly last words of the elf king; “Ill met by moonlight”, Roxxy spat on all of it! The bar must pay.

Suddenly, he saw an magic show happening next to the bar. A wizard was throwing fireballs into the air. What a cheap trick. Sure the manipulation of the ball could have been magic, but it was basic wizardly craft, Roxxy knew. The fire was really a wooden ball on fire from…oil.

A smile appeared on Roxxy’s drunk face. He knew how to make the people fear elves once again He walked behind the stage of the show unnoticed, and grabbed a tin of refined whale oil. Then he ran back to the bar. He opened the door to the tavern and, without warning, splashed the whole floor with oil. The entire building was wood! Cheap wood that was hollowed with time. The entire building would burn in seconds! He looked at the disbelieving faces and shouted “Long Live the Queen of Elves!” and reached for a candle.

Suddenly he was knocked over. A man had pinned Roxxy to the wall. How had got to him so quickly? In fact, many people were around him when an instant ago they were still sitting at their tables. How?

The crowd was looking at him angrily while shouting out threats. Roxxy looked into the cold and clear eyes of the people, and realized. The difference between him and them was he was drunk! His reflex, and his perception of time was distorted while the rest of the bar, due to the high price of drink, were perfectly sober.

Somebody was holding him by the scruff of his shirt, and the angry crowd around him was growing. Roxxy closed his eyes and whispered to himself; “All hail the queen…”

-The End

And that was today’s post. Once again, thank you Meredith for giving me that wonderful random generator. Yes, by the way to those who noticed, the wizard’s lizard was named after my favourite fantasy novelist. This story really was just made up on the spot. Till next time, RefkanBlueDesert is signing off.


2 thoughts on “I Have No Topic the Fifth

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