Short story

The Quitting Ninjas!

Just an idea I amused myself with.

Quitting Ninjas! The new government funded business (They also sell chewing gum!) that stops you from smoking! Tired of quitting? Hire these guys! After a one time four figure payment ($3***.**) and a signing of a contract, these ninjas will do their thing! They’ll follow you around. They’ll steal your wallet when you’re near a convenience store and not return it until you’re at least a hundred meters of the next smoke store! They’ll use shurikens to cut any cigarette in your mouth in half! They’ll raid all of your “stashes” and replace them with Chewing gum!

What’s that? you’re having hour long pains from withdrawal? They’ll carry aspirin, and a watch! That hour long pain session? They’re actually three minutes long, and that giant watch they hold is proof!

What’s that? You’re getting all angry, moody, and abusive because of going cold turkey? Abuse the Ninjas, not your family and co-workers! They are quite used to taking abuse, being screamed at, having bricks thrown at them, and all those deliciously horrible things you are going to attempt to them. Warning though, these ninjas can block bullets. And they’re magical. And some are ex-smokers themselves, so they have lots of experience.

The best thing about these ninjas is how seriously they take you. Quitting is like declaring that you’ve joined the army and are now going headfirst into a battlefield. It’s daunting. But non-smokers don’t know that. They say “wait to go, man!” and leave it at that. The ninjas don’t. They understand how daunting the decision is and how self-sacrficing it must seem to the smoker. They show they understand by making it impossible to smoke even a rolled up dried leaf until you’re deemed ready to tackle quitting alone (usually around six months, give or take).

What are you waiting for? Quitting Ninjas are standing by! They’ll help you whether you want them to or not!

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