Upon seeing the trailer.
(takes a deep breath)
WHY IS THERE A GENIE MADE OF FRUIT? WHY IS THE COOK A MALE? WHY IS DESPEREAUX OBSESSED WITH CHEESE? HE DOESN’T LIKE CHEESE, NO REAL MOUSE LIKES CHEESE! WHY IS HE EATING FUCKING CHEESE!
IT’S LIKE THEY DIDN’T EVEN READ THE BOOK? NO, WORSE. IT’S LIKE THEY DID READ THE BOOK AND SAID “Pshh, we could make a better story than this! Okay, what do little children with no brain capacity to tell the difference between Hollywood Gold and Pieces of Shit like? I know! Genies! Made of fruit!”
(Me reading the Wikipedia article)
Me: A ship sails into the kingdom of Dor, known for its ‘Royal Soup Day.’ Roscuro (Dustin Hoffman), a rat, is aboard with a human companion, Pietro.
Sam: “I’m surprised it started off with this. I don’t remember a Pietro, but it was four years ago. Or a boat, but maybe? Seems legit, all I can say.”
Me: Roscuro is mesmerized by the aroma of soup being prepared in the castle’s kitchens and he escapes Pietro to find the source.
Me: The Queen Faints
Me: The king in his grief orders soup to be forbidden and rats banished.
Sam: True to the original
Me: These were the Dark Ages and the town falls into eternal darkness and famine. Roscuro, meanwhile, meets Botticelli (Ciarán Hinds), the brutal leader of the rat world.
Sam: Excuse me? What?
Me: A few years later, an adventurous mouse, Despereaux Tilling
Sam: Adventurous? I suppose…
Me: is born, and becomes friends with the lonely Princess Pea (Emma Watson)
Sam: They don’t mention the part where all of his siblings die?
Me: Upon finding out that Despereaux has broken the law by speaking with a human,
Sam:…this is a synopsis, but it skipped a bit of stuff…
Me: the Mouse Council banishes him to the dungeons.
Sam: please tell me we skipped a lot of things, because this comes at the middle of the book.
Sam: More like screams “Farewell” to him
Me: Antoinette’s husband, grabs her by the arm, because he cares more about the Mouse Council than he does about Despereaux. In the dungeon, Despereaux is caught, but he is saved by Roscuro from being eaten by the other rats.
Sam: I remember the one saving him was a hobo, but I haven’t read the book…in…four years…so yeah, maybe
Me: Meanwhile, Despereaux realizes that the princess is in danger. Back in the rat colony, Roscuro sees the apologetic sincerity in Pea’s eyes and regrets his actions, but is unable to stop the rats, to whom he has given her, from clambering over her. Roscuro tries to tell the rats that Pea is not bad, but Botticelli does not let him because he wants Pea dead
Sam: wait wait…was Roscuro the one who fell in the bowl in the book? I’m not too sure if he was.
Me: However, little Despereaux lets loose a cat, and the rats run away before the cat goes back into its cage.
Sam: (face palm) WHAT CAT?
Me: Roscuro then forces Botticelli into the cage, where he is eaten by the cat.
Sam: He didn’t die? I’m pretty sure he didn’t die in the book. The whole class was shouting out “KILL HIM!”
Me: Mig is later reunited with her father, who recognizes the birthmark on her neck. It finally rains and the sun shines after soup is made for the first time in years. The mice all then try to be more brave like Despereaux.
Sam: What? Okay, maybe…I don’t give a shit about this movie anymore… I remember the Mig part…
Me: The king is able to overcome his grief and soup and rats were allowed back in the kingdom. Roscuro returns to a life at sea, where there was always light and a gentle breeze, and Despereaux himself takes off on a journey to see the world.
Sam: Noooooooooooooo. Goes to sea, I don’t remember that. Adventuring the world, Nooo, the book implied that the princess had him had adventures, but around the world?
(upon seeing the trailer…again)
*Sees Male cook
Sam: Nobody was happy at this point…they didn’t want a small kid, nobody was happy about this…All of the other ones died…
Sam: What the Fu-
Sam: no no no no no what the hell why is he doing this? What the- cheese?
Sam: I like this line…
Sam: Because…Yeah! This Happened: Everybody loved this scene in the book. You know, with the cat, and the death arena, and the…cat
Sam: HAaaate. What happened to your X Chromosome!
Sam: Oh, there it is. I wasn’t dreaming it. I’m gonna go hang myself someplace cold.
Sam:…Cats. Fluffy. I remember my Christmas being ruined that year.