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Conversation Online

So there was once this time I was lonely. I tried throwing an online party. I invited more than just a few people from Tumblr and Facebook to join.

No one came except for this one girl.

It was fun, talking to her. There’s no pressure or walls in an online party so I gave my honest opinion of whatever topic came up.

This was a big mistake. Every time I said something she claimed to have a different opinion. Friends, or in this case potential friends, can have differing opinions, but she disagreed with everything I said. I said I was a left winged, she was a right. I believed in evolution, she didn’t believe it. I said I loved science, she said she believed science was too limited to be of any use.

I really wanted to be friends with this one anonymous girl. I didn’t realize this until I became desperate. I decided to question her on some things that really mattered to me.

She was a racist. She was a pro-censorship. She was against educating people about World War 2. Her personal hero was Alexander the Great.

I questioned her why. She didn’t answer. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be friends with this girl.

It was really hard to type what I typed next but I somehow managed in bits and pieces. She interrupted me a few time but I didn’t read it. I said:

“Thank you for coming to my online party. Unfortunately, I find that we are not alike in any way. Some of the views you have expressed are completely incompatible from mine and I don’t know if I can keep talking to someone who holds such views that are so distant from mine. I wanted this conversation to end with us trading Tumblr or Skype or some kind of correspondence, but I don’t think that will be possible now…”

I’m pretty sure there were tears in my eyes by this point.

“But thank you so much for coming when no one else would.”

I left the online party then. A few hours later, I started looking back at the conversation and I realized something. Even with all of these horrible beliefs and even with all of these conflicts I was still considering this person as a friend. This horrified me. Was this really how alone I was? I would befriend someone like this just because they were there for me? It might have had to do with just how nice she seemed. But her niceness in conversation made her worse for me.

I logged into the online party and scrolled through the conversation. I cringed while reading my own responses. I pretended to not feel so awkward typing my answers when I should have been honest of how I really felt, manners aside. However, every now and then I read something she had said that was actually pretty nice, or genuinely intelligent and agreeable for me. None of them made up for what I considered and still consider to be her flaws, but they struck me so hard because I had had very few interaction for so long.

Then when I got to the bottom of the page, I saw that she had left this message:

“I’m sorry our views don’t match but I really do want to be friends. I know my views are flawed and hurt people’s feelings so I usually keep them inside. I don’t take such precautions online, however, and often make my views known as soon as possible. You are the first person who ever stayed in conversation with me for so long while I was being honest. If you ever get around to reading this, the following is my Tumblr page. Follow me if you will?”

She had left her tumblr website. I looked at it and wondered what I would do, because I honestly didn’t know.

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