Short story

Heroes as Metaphors: The Adventures of Social Justice Warrior!

SJW Phony: “Hey guys! Let’s pick on this Cishet-White kid!

SJW Phony 2: “Your kind should never come to our neighborhood!”

Cishw-kid: “But…I love tumblr!

SJW Phony: “Your kind has no right to complain about being bullied!”

Cishw-kid: “This *sniff* this is harassment.”

SJW Phony: “You dare complain about harassment?”


*SJW swoops down in all of his (sometimes her) justice glory. His/Her cape, embroidered with painted faces of Shakuntala Devi, Harry Hay, Martin Luther King Jr, and Mahatma Gandhi, flaps in the distant. The sunrise enlightens upon His/her back.”

SJW Phony 2: “Aw shit! The big man himself!”

SJW Phony: “Get out of here, Social Justice Warrior! You don’t even know the Context of our disagreement!”

SJW: No. But I do know harassment. And this is not a disagreement! *strikes pose* Disagreements are universal! Sometimes small and unnoticeable, sometimes loud and inescapable! But this is no disagreement, this is an attack!

*SJW, with his super speed, gets between Cishw-kid while the two phonies attempt to reach him. They whack SJW with crowbars but cant fight against his invulnerability nor his implacability.

Cishw-kid: Why aren’t you attacking them?

SJW: They are as invulnerable as I am! They are so fueled by their sense of self righteousness that nothing will move them. However, they are fueled by the allure of hurting those they believe wronged them while I am fueled by the opposite drive: to help those who need me! And I am able to see through all biases. They will soon find that emotion and poorly reasoned justification alone is not enough to make a difference, and hopefully they will become like me one day. But for now, I can not defeat them. 

*Cishw-kid thinksfor a little bit. His fist clenches as he realizes that he needs to act to get himself out of the situation.”

Cishw-kid: What do I do?

SJW: *smiles* First, remain calm. Their blows can’t hurt you if you stay calm and remember: they are in the wrong! Next, call for friendly support. You already have me, so we’re good! Now, finally, we need to empathize with them.

Cishw-kid: What? But they are such…assholes!

SJW: Language son!

Cishw-kid: Sorry.

SJW: Listen, they are in the wrong. But this is not special to this circumstance! Empathy is what makes a person a good! Empathy practiced to perfection is what prevents people from lashing out at random people! I know you’re angry at these people, but you must still try to empathize with them! Not for their sake, but for your own. Just think, son. What would you do if this always happened to you? Every day, all the time, and the very help people offered was managed by the same people who hurt you?

*Cishw-kid thinks. He was bullied only a few times on Tumblr, but he already felt animosity to people claiming to be “Social Justice Warriors.” If he had not met the true article, he probably would have jumped to the conclusion that they were all the same! He could not imagine what would happen if it happened everyday.

Suddenly, SJW moved out of the way. Shocked, Cishw-kid blocked the blows from the two phonies. But the blows do not hurt.*

*SJW smiles and offers the child his hand. The two phonies shout and scream and whack at the two, but find their weapons useless. SJW and Cishw-kid walk on and enjoy the sights of Tumblr.


SNEAK PEEK of Next Week’s issue: The Hate Flood!

News reporter: Social Justice Warrior! The blogs are being attacked by goons! And the worst part is, they are all faceless!

Goons: Come out and fight us all, Sucking Jack-off Warrior! We’ll flood you to oblivion!

SJW: Could it be…they are all one person?

Find out what happens in the next issue of The Adventures of Social Justice Warrior!


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