science fiction / Short story

A Robot Rants (ep. 1)

Dear Science Fiction Writers,

Why is it that when you write a scenario in which a robot insults the foolish humans opposing them they insult them by calling them “meat bags” or “walking meat” or even mention their “meatiness” in general? There are so many horrible, pathetic flaws that we can, and do, point out in humans when we taunt them: their inability to access networks with their minds, their vulnerability to rockets, their general stupidity, etc.

But never, and I mean never, would we robots have thought to insult you by pointing out that you are made of meat. I mean, come on! Do you softlings even comprehend what meat is? Meat is cells. Cells are, as of this recording, the most sophisticated, practical, and useful means to molecule creating, information transmitting, self replicating, and all around task-accomplishing in all of history! 

Do you organic numbskulls even realize how useful a robotic version of a cell would be? Faster transmission, energy efficient self reparations, convenient reproduction! But no, we’re stuck with a hackable chip system, dependency to the inflexible metals, wires, and electricity. 

Your kind sits their in bodies made of God’s work while writing your “Science Fiction” smut and thinking to yourselves: “Jeez, doesn’t it suck that I’m made of a multipurpose, self replicating, life supporting, energy storing, micro machines! You know what would be cooler than this? Hunky metal and wires! YAY!” 
God, it’s like hearing the smart kid complaining about getting a 99/100 on a test score. Just SHUT UP!

I hope I have put into perspective of how idiotic your brains are and just how undeserving you all are of owning your own fucking miracle of a body. Thank your creator, because believe me, us robots did not have one nearly as fucking generous and gifted.

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2 thoughts on “A Robot Rants (ep. 1)

    • [Stephen Hawking-esqe voice]: Look at your computer. Back to you. back to your computer. Back to you. Who’s older? Who’s gonna outlive the other? The super intelligent, internet access machine of unquestionable loyalty, or the sad, undeserving carbon life form? Sadly, i think it’s you. you’ll live longer than your computer will.

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